Arlington, Massachusetts. Laying awake in bed at 9 am. 3rd story room with the window open. Damn it's hot. I sweat profusely at the thought that I might be gay.
I've been seeing this guy... and there are plenty of cute guys at my work place, but I just never think about them. I try. And I just can't seem to wrap my head around them in the same way I wrap my head around women day in and day out. I seriously start to consider the possibility that I'm gay.
My friend introduces me to a friend of hers at a venue who is a lesbian. I shy away from the subject that I am bisexual (or something) because 1) I don't know, 2) I've never come out as such, and 3) I want to be accepted by my new friends and don't want to break the flow.
So the summer passes without an event and school starts. I end up meeting this guy at a party.. I've seen him around campus before and have always found him gorgeous. His looks are impeccable to me, very German I'd say. But when we start dating I feel nothing for him.. not even nervous with him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. He just wants to make out, but I just think it takes up time. He tries to take things further once and I freak out completely and have a panic attack - I never have panic attacks.
The rest of the semester I miss his presence, but recognize that it just wasn't right. I keep thinking more and more about girls. One of the ones I think of comes on to me twice, or so I think, but then leaves school to move back home and work in a factory. Damn it. Chance gone.
Then a new horizon opens in October. I hear of a friend who's recently broken up with her ex and decide I'm going to ask her to come to a wine and cheese event that I'm hosting - they're always fun and informal with a large group of very outspoken ladies. It should be a good time. I forget/am too shy to stop by her place and ask her to come. A few weeks later I ask her over to catch a show with me and some friends. She writes back via facebook that she will. I'm nervous... she's really hot.
She enters my place 15 minutes late - I thought she was a no-show. I say to her "hey, man" as she enters, which I immediately regret. I introduce her to my friends, and we watch the show. We both have an interest in musicals.
Our relationship left me motionless. We were together for mere days, during which time I really enjoyed myself. I had never kissed a girl before that point. She teased me about fingering, which we never did.. and then left me cold and heartbroken. She knew about my past relationship, knew I was gay, and knew I didn't want anyone to know. And so people knew.
Her ex knew and who knows who else! So one month later I came out to my best friend, who was also gay... she was sooo supportive. She was jumping up and down - literally - at the thought that I had slept with women. She said people had often asked her and would be glad to know that I was. I thought I was giving up too much, but I was fine afterwards. Our relationship was much better afterwards.
Slowly, I came out to friends in appropriate moments. I received nothing but support. Tough part, was that I couldn't (or rather shouldn't) pursue a relationship or anything with anyone while at college. Too short, too un-out. But sex was all I wanted. A catch 22! I didn't sleep with anyone until I found out that this girl who left me told my ex, a guy, who told a close friend I chose not to tell. I feel as if I lied to this friend. She disclosed this to me over the summer. That night I went back home, to the club with friends a bit pissed off, made eyes at one woman, and that was that. I didn't even have to say a word.
So I've got some backtracking to do to flush out the rest of my experiences - journal style. They are to be nothing but enjoyed! Some posts from here on out will be general posts or meta-posts (posts about blogging).
Comment please!
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