So you think you're thinking you think you're gay?

Arlington, Massachusetts. Laying awake in bed at 9 am. 3rd story room with the window open. Damn it's hot. I sweat profusely at the thought that I might be gay.

I've been seeing this guy... and there are plenty of cute guys at my work place, but I just never think about them. I try. And I just can't seem to wrap my head around them in the same way I wrap my head around women day in and day out. I seriously start to consider the possibility that I'm gay.

My friend introduces me to a friend of hers at a venue who is a lesbian. I shy away from the subject that I am bisexual (or something) because 1) I don't know, 2) I've never come out as such, and 3) I want to be accepted by my new friends and don't want to break the flow.

So the summer passes without an event and school starts. I end up meeting this guy at a party.. I've seen him around campus before and have always found him gorgeous. His looks are impeccable to me, very German I'd say. But when we start dating I feel nothing for him.. not even nervous with him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. He just wants to make out, but I just think it takes up time. He tries to take things further once and I freak out completely and have a panic attack - I never have panic attacks.

The rest of the semester I miss his presence, but recognize that it just wasn't right. I keep thinking more and more about girls. One of the ones I think of comes on to me twice, or so I think, but then leaves school to move back home and work in a factory. Damn it. Chance gone.

Then a new horizon opens in October. I hear of a friend who's recently broken up with her ex and decide I'm going to ask her to come to a wine and cheese event that I'm hosting - they're always fun and informal with a large group of very outspoken ladies. It should be a good time. I forget/am too shy to stop by her place and ask her to come. A few weeks later I ask her over to catch a show with me and some friends. She writes back via facebook that she will. I'm nervous... she's really hot.

She enters my place 15 minutes late - I thought she was a no-show. I say to her "hey, man" as she enters, which I immediately regret. I introduce her to my friends, and we watch the show. We both have an interest in musicals.

Our relationship left me motionless. We were together for mere days, during which time I really enjoyed myself. I had never kissed a girl before that point. She teased me about fingering, which we never did.. and then left me cold and heartbroken. She knew about my past relationship, knew I was gay, and knew I didn't want anyone to know. And so people knew.

Her ex knew and who knows who else! So one month later I came out to my best friend, who was also gay... she was sooo supportive. She was jumping up and down - literally - at the thought that I had slept with women. She said people had often asked her and would be glad to know that I was. I thought I was giving up too much, but I was fine afterwards. Our relationship was much better afterwards.

Slowly, I came out to friends in appropriate moments. I received nothing but support. Tough part, was that I couldn't (or rather shouldn't) pursue a relationship or anything with anyone while at college. Too short, too un-out. But sex was all I wanted. A catch 22! I didn't sleep with anyone until I found out that this girl who left me told my ex, a guy, who told a close friend I chose not to tell. I feel as if I lied to this friend. She disclosed this to me over the summer. That night I went back home, to the club with friends a bit pissed off, made eyes at one woman, and that was that. I didn't even have to say a word.

So I've got some backtracking to do to flush out the rest of my experiences - journal style. They are to be nothing but enjoyed! Some posts from here on out will be general posts or meta-posts (posts about blogging).

Comment please!

Sophomore Year: Let Us Begin the Lovegames

All calculus class. Every calculus class. That's all I can think about. Her. I'm not sure if it's sex with her or what, but it involves getting close to her and touching her. All class long. We'd been living together as best friends for one year now and really, really liked her. You remember that promise I made to myself early on in the year - to come clean with the fact that I had the hots for her? Well, I never kept because she acted on it.

So let me set the stage for you: it's spring. She had a sports injury and was complaining about her back being tense. Here's how I remember the rest: I asked her if she wanted me to massage it. We'd never touched each other before - we'd hugged several times, held hands once, but that was it really. I admit, though, that I asked her with the hopes that this would lead to more. The massage was mostly appropriate - my hands ventured down her back, massaging her muscley body until they reached the small of her back. They tiptoed - just barely - through her underwear line and back up her back.

For two evenings this went on until to she offered or asked (I can't remember which) to massage my back. Here's where things get spicy! She chose to massage my arm muscles and more towards the front of my body, until she asked me to roll over. Then she was seated on top of me and I can distinctly remember having the thought: "I think this is what sex is."

She could go all night. And so we did. I was stunned - and loved it. I had exactly what I wanted. It felt sooooo good afterward and really expanded the closeness of our friendship. We could do it every evening and in the morning and feel just fabulous the next day.

This went on over the summer in our homes and I dreamt of it every night while studying abroad. The next year at school it started again in October. She initiated it always... and we never really talked about it otherwise. It was an odd relationship. No kissing. Hand holding, yes. Just grinding, head massages, and sitting on one another. When I didn't want it and she still wanted it, she would have her way. When I was napping, she would just sit right down on me. She had drive and a want! But would soon deny me, our relationship, and her own past experiences of everything they were.

Thanksgiving, first semester of college

I always wondered if I was gay. The question first came to my mind in high school. I would reflect on all the attractive, successful female characters I saw in films and plays - they just have always caught my attention. I can remember leaving them feeling energized by their fervor and very being, but storylines about men in competition or successful endeavors never remained salient to me. At the time I played it off, as if they were role models or something, but now looking back, I realize that I simply had little crushes on them.


When I got to middle school, I had a boyfriend. Turns out, he's gay. High school, same deal. He's gay. We dated for four months, were both very much into the relationship, and I felt a chemistry and connectedness to him. But he got too clingy, I was "busy" and disinterested, and I broke it off. He tried so hard to win me back with a valentine's day note about me "beeing" his valentine. When he got to college, he came out and posted it on facebook. Needless to say, I was not shocked.

In high school I was homophobic. I thought the girl who sat next to me in English class was bisexual and flirting with me, so I tried my hardest not to look, speak, or - especially - smile at her. My gym teacher was clearly gay and I stayed away from her like the plague, secretly uttering words of hate towards her.


When I kiss guys I never feel anything. When guys who I'm not friends with act romantic towards me and want to be near me, it simply makes me feel uncomfortable - as if I'm leading them on. I just don't feel right in my own skin not being honest with others about the one thing that really matters the most - who we make love to.

I should have taken the hint a while ago, like in high school. My thoughts before I go to sleep at night are only ever about women. Usually my mind conjures up some scenario of two sexy women fighting... But instead, it took waiting until college for me to realize that I was a lesbian.

It was Thanksgiving of my freshman year and I harbored some sort of dualistic hate/love for my roommate. I can remember sitting in calculus class every morning at 9am and only thinking about her and how I'd like to get close to her. She and I were very distant in terms of our physical relationship with each other. We both claimed to dislike hugs and physical touching and affection of any sort in general, we both acknowledged that we were mildly homophobic, and we both were straight. Any time spent away from her felt empty, even though she treated me like shit. What was yet to come, though, in my sophomore year was a promise to myself to tell her my true feelings for her. This obsession of mine could not last any longer and she had to, despite our stated feelings on the subject, realize that I was attracted to her. That promise wasn't fulfilled sophomore year, but a much greater endeavor was!