Purpose

So the original purpose of this blog was to tell a story, which I have been completely remiss in doing. I've decided to go ahead and pick back up that purpose and throw it against the wall. Let's see what sticks!

So to backpeddle some:  Back in ye olde midwest:

I was trying to decide what to do on a Friday night. Do I volunteer with my friend at a sustainability fair? Do I go out with old friends to catch some drinks and then go dancing? Or do I book it to Nashville to visit a possible love interest of mine... who's a boy (my final test of gayness!)?

I stayed home and volunteered at the sustainability fair. And boy did it pan out! There are moments when the world seems to be resynthesized in a new light that gives you a heightened perspective on things. These moments are so beautiful!

It was a gay person's paradise. Ironically, I saw multiple pairs of attractive gay girls displaying affection publicly and not in groups of other gays, which was really great to see in this day and age. Then I ran into two boys, one whom I had dated and one whom I had had a crush on, who are both clearly gay now and were running around with their partners. I had to tell my straight friend about it - oh it was too funny.

Then I met my friend's sister and went to a tea house that was sensational...

I find that I can be myself and that all I've ever wanted is just sitting in front of my nose in terms of culture and dating. I just have yet to experience it and need to stop putting up excuses or walls for not finding it. Others may venture off to NYC looking for a gay population and trying to become themselves. I am finally realizing that I can come into being right here and that this may be a good way to go about doing it. I am being open with friends and family and expressing my interests. I am not running off to another place where I can hide away, be one of many, or simply let others guide me through this process. Thus, what I am doing in liberating and distinguishing at the same time. I am not stepping into a void, but carving my own path through the world.


Being yourself in the place that you live in and expressing yourself is one of the most beautiful things we can give back to humankind. Gay is not defining. You being as you are and see yourself happy is priceless. I want to be one of those people who is always happy and moreover comfortable with who I am. I now realize that so much of my college years I was not at all fulfilled as a person because I didn't know who I was! Coming to terms with myself as a person, and then myself as a gay has meant so much for me in terms of maturation.



Here is to those who can communicate well with their partners - these are the individuals whose sex lives are the best and whose lives are the best. To those who are open about needs and desires, even when those needs and desires abut cultural norms and how to, well, fuck them.

The Lesbians of LA

Let's all just be honest - Abby Wambach? Lesbian. Random straight-looking people on the street? Lesbians. Lesbians are everywhere, in our midst whether we know it, like it, or care. I'm one of those people who even has to look, to verify: yes, that is indeed a lesbian my friends (said in a jerry seinfeld-esque tone).

While this principle may be true, there are certain places where we feel like there are no lesbians. For example, where I live right now. No lesbians. Never see lesbians. Saw them once. See them in nearby shops. But none near me.

Ouch. That bites, you say. And what's more? I moved to LA.

You see I took this whole post-grad thing and ran back into academia. My job last year was the pits. Really it was. I edited. And wrote. This. As an outlet.

In parts of LA there are many lesbians. This is a well-known fact. The world over. If there is any piece of knowledge that lesbians are born with (besides how to be a lesbian), it is orient yourself towards mecca (LA) because that's where all the ladies are. It's true. LA is a very gay place to be.

I don't get it. Does that mean that the city is stratified then and that you have hetero-only sections of LA? I don't know. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe compared to other cities LA is still diverse and lesbians are in the mix in every corner, but there are just certain areas especially known to lesbians. That's my theory.

West Hollywood. Especially known for lesbians. In fact, many places in west LA you can find lesbians, I'd argue. Santa Monica promenade. Culver city bars. Yup, they're there. Just I'm not. Usually that is.

I'd really feel more at home if there were more lesbians living near me, you know? I think it affects what I wear and what I see and feel is normal. I think there is only one other lesbian couple living in my building and they stay in their igloo (I'm pretty sure), but their balcony faces mine.

Oops! I've written too much already. Gots to go.. Ciao.

M

How lesbians are viewed in other countries

I've been MIA and not paying fair attention to our blog here recently. I traveled abroad - to Asia to be specific. I went there after doing a bit of internet research on how lesbians are viewed abroad, but came up rather empty-handed. What I really wanted to know was whether my colleagues in the educational/government-work sector would be socially and culturally comfortable talking about gays or knowing I was gay.

I was disappointed with my results while there. The topic only came up with my Asian colleagues twice: once was a joke about getting AIDS (clearly culturally dated to someone from the United States, as it isn't as much of a health or social issue and not at all funny to me) and another making a gender stereotype about males ("guys here both hug and put their arms around one-another's shoulders... and it doesn't mean that they're gay").

The issue couldn't be broached at all. I'm not one to go making waves unless if someone steps on my toes or says something completely inaccurate. The AIDS joke drew my attention though. It wasn't in reference to gay men, but just the tone of it wasn't exactly soul-soothing.

When traveling with European compatriots - none of whom were gay - there were some references made to gays in passing, but no gays out on my tours. In the street my US friend working with me received a few offers for sex - I think because of his build, baldness and attractiveness.

You could tell who was gay even in the countryside, but it just wasn't talked about or brought up. Maybe others visiting us wouldn't bring it up either, but I just thought it was interesting that it wasn't talked about more. I had to bring it up with my American coworkers and tell them about my partner, which wasn't too much of a big deal at all. They chose not to offer it up as info to our Asian colleagues, but instead offered to others that I was "single."

In China there was an article in the newspaper about the police arresting a pride marcher for being too exuberant in his demonstrating. Apparently the case was going to the supreme court. It was written with a spin in favor of the man, which was interesting because the article is government-approved, but i was worried that the case would be settled in favor of the government not the man due to the law.

All-in-all, I think American is rather progressive on the issue of accepting gays throughout our culture. I think the more gays stand up and say "I'm gay" helps to change the attitudes and legislation supporting gays in a locality. It's important to do that wherever you are - and I could have in Asia - but it's also important to know the attitudes and acceptance of gays where you're traveling too!

Support for young adults

The other night I had some co-workers over from my workplace and was reminded of how nice it is to work in a place that is gay-friendly.

See, my workplace is quintessentially a gay person’s paradise. At our last company meeting we discussed how we would never come close to praying over meals because everyone at the company is agnostic, atheist, or religious but doesn’t push their religion on others. About half of my friends at work are gay or bisexual and those who aren’t live with or are friends with those who are.

I’d like to think that this homo-friendly workplace is just due to random probability of being gay and open about it in the population, but I’m not sure if that’s correct. Our boss is gay and I think that that therefore ensures support of one’s sexual orientation in the workplace. By no means do gay individuals flock to us, but I have seen my share of cute girls walk through the doors of our workplace 

Anyway, the other night at this gathering I was able to dig deep with one of my coworkers and ask him about what it was like to come out to his parents. We had touched on this before but I had never asked him more questions about the circumstance that surrounded his coming out.

He said that he told his parents via letter a month after they asked him about it. He was twenty years old and in college at the time. His parents called him crying when they got the letter. I asked him how emotionally attached he was to the situation: was he ready for it and reasonably put together, or was he still close to them and their feelings? He said a mix of both but that at that time he was prepared for their reaction pretty well.

Still, don’t you think that would hurt? I know anytime my mom cries part of me says “oh geez she’s over-reacting,” but my initial feeling is “damn, I wish she wouldn’t cry!” If only parents could separate themselves from the situation more and think that their raising us a certain way has nothing to do with it…

Apparently my friend Joe’s parents think just that. The father thinks he wasn’t present enough and the mother blames herself for being overbearing. Well if so, then what happened when Joe’s sister and brother turned out “normal?” They are catholic and going through – and pressing on him – the material from http://www.couragerc.net/. What a site! It’s like an exodus.org sort of thing where you go and they can apparently teach you that “gay desires” are wrong. “Gay desires” or “attractions,” as if that’s all it is. My anus!

What Joe and I took away from our little chat was that we should have some sort of available forum or support for young adults who have just come out or are younger and their parents still aren’t okay with it. It’s a reasonable question to ask to friends or a group: at what point do I issue ultimatums to my parents about their involvement in my life but dislike for my partner or my so-called “lifestyle.” It was decided that I think I shouldn’t let my parents into my life until they accept me for who I am in my complete form. I think it’s disrespectful of them to go on like this and not love me as I am.

My mom recently asked me not to facebook friend a family friend because she’d see I was gay. No way! I told her yes, and then just friended her anyway.

I think the deal is this: my parents generation thinks more of it than what it really is to me. To me it’s no biggie.. everyone knows someone who is, and it doesn’t make any difference what people do with whom in their bedrooms so what’s the problema?

This got me to thinking.. how is it that people express themselves and their happiness with life so freely on the street? Some of the biggest butches, most obviously gay girls on planet earth will be walking around and will be just emanating smiles to others. Is it that they are that confident in themselves, their sexual orientation and the state of the world?

I think I should stop focusing on sexual orientation as the source of everyone’s happiness. It’s not about that.. It’s about freedom! I could never be that confident I feel.

I’m moving to LA and await to see the workplace climate there.. I’m sure it’ll be open and think nothing of human sexual orientation. But that’s just my assumption!

The straight guy just bought me a drink.. Whatdoyado?!

Society is so heteronormative – even in gay contexts. When I’m volunteering with the local gay teen activity crew, the roles are often reversed (“hey, why don’t you girls do the lifting?”). But what our society – and girls in general – value is men buying us drinks. It’s reaffirming of our place in society, as that little crowned princess that is meant to be looked at, spoken to only when treated like royalty, and adored.


Last night my friend Timothy and I went out to a new gay bar. Neither of us had been there before and it was quite the fun experience! Tim had just came from dinner (and being hammered) with a guy who he’s not quite sure is gay.. he’s still trying to feel that one out. He called me and demanded to go out, promising to buy me a drink. But he wasn’t the only one.

It was early – around 9pm and still sunny out. Our bar-mate, who seemed to be a business man from Michigan in town for a meeting concerning the sales of his wood company, started a conversation with us asking about places to go around town. He wanted to know about the other local bars and clubs and where he should go during his stay. He was staying in a nicely situated downtown hotel and after much discussion and a karaoke song on my part (which he was apparently glued to me for), he bought me my second round.  Except at that point I didn’t know that he was “interested” in me, as my friend said. I think it’s just downright annoying when I go out to have a gay old time and instead end up being hit on my whomever. When I was in drag as gaga for Halloween two straight men asked me if I was a man or a woman. Maybe that’s a flattering sign, but I didn’t feel I had on enough makeup to warrant that question. Fuck off!

After discussing my feelings on what it’s like to be bought a drink, it feels pretty damn good. My straight friends concur. However, I think in my world I have reached a precipice and am tired of worrying about the male attention that comes with a free drink. Even after I tell guys “no, I don’t want a drink” and “yes, I’m completely gay” (look at me and my crowd!), they persist. As if I was going to drunkenly bend (I guess that’s what the alcohol is for!).

For hetero girls it’s a good night and a “score” of shorts when you can walk away not having to pay for any drinks that evening. But what does this say? Sure it feels nice for someone to buy us a beer, but men still make more in America and maybe this is right where their money is going – straight to the throats of women who want more pay and equity? Anyway, I don’t want to get tied up in a name-calling mess of assumptions, but my straight from Haille.

Our other friend, Rochelle, told me that she used to rely on her boyfriend having a good time to make her happy or just being out with her boyfriend only in order to have a good time. Since breaking up with him, she has learned that she needn't rely on anyone else to have a golden time while out. She only has to have fun with whomever she's interacting with and it doesn't have to be a predetermined person or class of individuals.

Back to my scenario, I admit that I had a great time in part because this gentleman bought me a drink and it was flattering to know he was interested in me. There's some bragging rights associated with the event - I then get to go and tell all my friends about the individual. Perhaps this is why the act is so problematic. From a social psychological perspective gifts and flattery actually perpetuate no firm outcome. They may lead to a date, a connection, a marriage, but they do not, in and of themselves, provide depth to a relationship. Drinking itself may allow one to be free, though, and to open up and expose oneself or intimate details of oneself to others.

What I cannot comment on in this post is to what extent the same is true from men of women. Do men expect a certain sort of attention from women while out? Do they expect a conversation to be issued to them the moment they buy her a drink, no matter what the age gap? These questions and the alteration in their answers by men with time are of interest to me as they may show changing or lessening cultural norms. Ditto that for more dominate or butch lesbians. While not all butches are the perpetuators of the relationship (I don’t know if I like the term “aggressor”), I think there is a stereotype towards them taking on the more "manly" role, which would be that of the dominant individual in the relationship.

Life in Portland

So I went to Portland for a few days last week... and had a rockin’ ole time. Every other couple there is gay; it’s like Mecca. The feel of the city is so different – so unabashedly open to all that is the diversity of planet earth. I didn’t feel like it was liberal or gay or anything. I just felt acceptance and knowledge. Not questioning what shouldn’t be questioned and assuming nothing improper. If a girl has a girlfriend that’s okay. Apparently Portland has the second largest proportion of lesbians in its population in the US. If you don’t have a job that’s okay too. People don’t assume that you’re in med school and check and ask to see if you are. In fact, while I spent my week there not a single person asked me what I did for a living or if I had a living. I was living and that was all that mattered.

Everywhere you went there were attractive women with piercings, without, with children, without. It all didn’t matter. With straight men and gay men, who could tell? It’s said that every bar there is a gay bar and every bar is a straight bar. Out of the people I visited, they (two straight women) have only lesbian friends. They can’t seem to find datable males… it’s like a struggle. They can’t, and excuse me for using this word but it’s fitting, penetrate the scene. It’s just organically set so that they have to ask discretely whether a guy is single and straight. The men they do find are mostly not of interest for being, well, themselves and perhaps a little more grizzly than what they’d like, not to stereotype.



photo of Alberta St. taken from apartmentstherapy.com


Going to parties and out there it was just one large mix of people. Locals could care less if you were gay or straight. At parties girls were paired with girls or guys and it was evident that it mattered not. This should be the paradigm for the future of every city and I think that civilization is matriculating in this way. Even our pilot coming out of PDX was this awesome gay girl. People did make fun of the fact that they had a female pilot, which I wouldn’t have expected coming out of Portland…

What emanated from the city was a vibe of fun. What mattered were people’s relationships with one another. Jobs, the rest of the world, they can just fuck it, as a true Portlander would say. Being able to go out in a safe city, walk around at night, drink any night of the week, and have a good old time with whomever was the key of the city and was offered to everyone there.

I would go back there literally in a heartbeat. Vacations are meant to be refreshing, but this was more than a vacation. This was the epitome of vacations. This was like a cleansing of the soul. I would go back there to garner to: quit my job, write a novel, travel the outdoors (well, maybe not in the winter), and basically listen to my soul a little more and what drives it. I could become a productive nightmare of creative goodness (either success or failure, but I feel I’d have the inspiration to do something) if I moved there.

So I think I’ll just take another trip there in the coming months… not that it’s cheap or anything. It’s just refreshing. And reaffirms my core value of individualism and love for the United States – to exist on a dance floor where no one cares what your orientation is or whether you’re wearing leather or not.

For a little taste of the retiring village for younguns, check out “Portlandia” (first episode free on itunes). http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1780441/

Dating Guys Before I Came-Out - what it's like

I'd say over half the guys I've ever dated or been interested in have turned out to be gay. This could mean something - that I look for feminity in my mates. :)  As it turns out, this theme protrudes during my middle, high school, and college dating years and has turned out to be relatively twisted in its own right.

For instance, the first individual I dated turned out to be bisexual, then decided he was gay. In high school he dated my first long-term boyfriend, Sam! These days I still see him riding his bike around town.. who knows what he's up to (ohhh, I should facebook him right now!).




Sam, who was the first guy I ever had a serious relationship with, turned out to be gay and came out his sophomore year of college. Neither one of these gentlemen were well kempt, that's the funny thing about it. We have this stereotype that gay men ought to be clean individuals who present and groom themselves nicely. Not always the case. These two gentlemen smelled of mothballs, I distinctly remember, rarely cut or shaved their hair, and were probably proud of it. It's rather unusual how that works I think.

Then there was the guy, Sally, in college whom I liked who is now transgender. He would ask me to have dinner with him and we'd talk about philosophy and religion. I enjoyed his company a lot, but he always seemed to be too pensive to really get happy about life. He would never smile.. all those years he spent looking pensive, I now realize, he was actually thinking about something else: his sexual orientation perhaps. Now his profile picture on facebook is of a big smile on his face. He's on hormones and has long hair and nails. I wouldn't have him any other way :)

Towards the end of college I dated a fellow, Phil. He is the reason I label and think of myself (and everyone) as bisexual. Based on context and natural inclination, I think we all fall somewhere on a spectrum whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Phil and I dated and were not physical at all - not even a kiss. Then, one year later, I found him out and about completely drunk with a few of my male friends. I tried to keep myself away from him because I was worried something would develop between us. We went into a club (he doesn't dance) and I thought I'd be just fine dancing with friends. Though later on in the evening I decided to chat with him and he began to lean his head on my shoulder. I felt immediately uneasy. I had to snap him awake somehow! How, how, how? I ran over to the bar and grabber him another beer (in hindsight, this was probably counter-productive).

After that beer we walked over to a friends place and four of us, one of whom was engaged, got hanky with it! I thought none of this would occur because 1) I was gay and my friend knew it, 2) my one friend engaged, and 3) the other was in a relationship. Upon arriving number 2 played lovely norah jones on pandora and danced with me while number 3 fell asleep. Eventually all four of us got physical with a little pile-on action and ab feeling. But then I started to make a move on Phil. I wanted to kiss him and wanted his hand down my pants. He was a no-go. I was so embarrassed about it - I think I was just getting off on him, but was really too drunk to remember much.

That feeling of him and his big, burly man arms surrounding me stayed with me - through the rest of the evening, morning, and for the next week. But this was the first time I felt that way about a guy.. and I safely think I can blame it on the alcohol.

Usually in romantic settings guys just annoy me or get creepy. In my friendships and activities, I have always liked interacting with guys and find it easier to do than with girls. With guys you can never expect any hard feelings - they just do what they think and aren't as reactive.


Girls just get me off. They make me lose my breath. They make me nervous. In my head at night, thoughts fill my mind about another kind of forbidden liking - that with a girl where our gender identities are not known to one another. Where we wear a mask. I have always had these dreams and have rarely thought anything of them, until I started to see a close friend of mine in a different light and finally accepted that there was some part of me that was gay - and that that was okay. Those were two different realizations, one more nerve-raking than the other.

How shameful is coming out?

I can remember my early college years: whoa was I homophobic. I talked about it readily and admitted that I was freaked out a little bit by gay people. Some guy friends I knew were in a secret, gay relationship. There was much gossip about that. As people came out, they would get interpersonal press unlike any other gossip - it was a hot topic.

But I can remember the shame I felt when I came out - that which is known as internalized homophobia. I would say that internalized homophobia is a form of shame. To quote the book Brain Candy:
"Shane has a distinct evoluntionary purpose: You've acted against social norms and thus rent the very fabric of society on which human civilization depends (not to be overly dramatic or anything), and it's shame that brings you back in line.

When shame reaches a certain level, you internalize it, start to consider yourself a bad apple, and can effectively prune your malignant self from the social tree ("I can never show my face in that bar ever again!"). This can be debilitating. More adaptive is to turn outward and sally forth into society to repair the rip you created. Only by repairing social connections - by apologizing or otherwise making amends - can you truly root out shame.

When you come out you don't apologize, but seek acceptance and hold trust in others whom you disclose this very personal fact to. It's as if you're instilling in them a certain amount of confidence as a friend or acquaintance and feel that this information that was previously not said is now apparent. This may not hold true for when you come-out informally to a new friend or acquaintance later in life, but does to a great extent when you first come out. You just aren't as sure about your social tree and whether it will cave in when you come out.

To a great extent I was unsure about how my friends and family would react when I divulged the information, but they sure acted better and provided firm social support when I did. My parents still aren't okay with it 100%, but within several years I think it will smoothe out somewhat. It's a lot of pressure for each individual you tell to disclose this information. The setting in which they come-out for you to others and their relationship to you shape, I think, how they go about telling others in terms of phrasing and their manner of telling other people. Some wait for intimate moments, others may just go ahead and talk about it around the office cooler. I know that if it's speculation on my part, I usually wait for a more intimate moment to discuss it with someone. I know for a fact that others don't like you speculating about their sexual orientation - it's a gossip-like thing to do and if you want to know, just ask (although some would advise to never, ever do that! But if you're interested, you should I think).

Defining Sex

Recently at work, a co-worker slipped a link under my nose: http://huqueerpress.com/. This is a college-student’s zine, or miniature pamphlet or collection of stories, on the subject of being gay and coming out from the students at Harding University. It’s called “the State of the Gay” and details about 7 stories from mostly gay men coming out against a religious backdrop. The students, and the media recently, have made it clear that these young men and women have a hard time achieving widespread acceptance at their University in that the University refuses to let University students view the zine through their on-campus network.


All-the-while this minor hurdle has not withstood the wanting-reader’s eyes, as the discrimination against the zine has been well-documented in online media. The stories collected in the zine remind me very much of those in “The Full Spectrum,” an excellent book that holds a collection of coming-out stories. Sometimes religious, often thought-provoking, these stories always give new perspective to one’s own coming out situation (while it does “get better,” it could be worse!).

My life here recently has been pretty good… I’m over my gynecological exam, but I just cannot stop relapsing into a common cold. Bleh! I’m ready for a change in the weather…

Recently I’ve been thinking about the definition of sex. I volunteer for a local teen group and they always want to know what is and what isn’t considered sex. There’s totally no one answer! The Kinsey institute has looked at this and found not only that, but that our definition of sex changes with time. Take a look: http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news/page/normal/13675.html

Defining sexual intercourse as only one act, that of penile-vaginal penetration means that other forms of sex - and all forms of sexual activity that gay couples perform - are not really sex at all. The problem is that sex is not simply one act due to the fact that it results in a, hopefully achieved, chemical reaction that involves several phases (one could look to either Kaplan's Three Phase or Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model). Excluding all other acts - oral sex, anal sex, tribadism, etc. means that all other persons simply cannot experience the same physiology as a heterosexual who engages in a specific act.

I’ve laid down some thought, too, here recently on biblical literalists. If you’re a biblical literalist, then: Leviticus says that two men lying together as a man lies with a woman is an abomination. Women are excluding from the comment, and therefore lesbians simply do not matter. The problem here is that fundamentalists tend to think that being gay no matter what your gender is wrong. But hey, the bible only speaks about men “lying” with other men as a man lies with a woman. If we are to take the bible literally, then we could say: “oh, well it only speaks to men” or “oh, sex isn’t the problem, it’s just lying with one another.”

When I think about a hypothetical cultural goal of writing a book capable of winning the support and acceptance of gays in America, it seems nearly impossible when the cornerstone of our culture proscribes these activities. How we reconcile these beliefs inside the church is a big question. Outside the church scientific empirical literature will no doubt play a large role.

In The Full Spectrum one individual mentions how the Dali Lama was asked in front of a room full of rural, mid-west Americans whether being gay was wrong. Known for his ken on current scientific data, stated that the question was laughable, which I find really interesting! Here’s this prominent figure who takes from ancient writings and tradition and whose opinion is really valued among our culture.

Two mention two recent scientific studies briefly, famous neuroscientist and researcher Simon LeVay wrote: “Interestingly, so far there has been more evidence that early androgens might play a role in homosexuality in women than in men. There are recent reports of three previously unsuspected body markers that seem to reflect fetal androgen in humans. The markers are quite varied, involving the ears (the production of tiny sounds by the cochlea), the eyes (eye-blink reflexes), and the fingers (the pattern of relative finger lengths). Yet in each case, there is a sex difference in function or structure, and in each case lesbians display characteristics that are more male-like compared with heterosexual women. These same putative somatic markers of early androgen have provided conflicting results when comparing homosexual and heterosexual men. The conflicting results in men suggest that some boys may turn out homosexual as a result of lower-than normal fetal androgen, some may result from higher-than normal levels, and some may turn out homosexual for reasons having nothing to do with androgens.” (See http://www.libertyeducationforum.org/IsItaChoiceTheScienceofSexualOrientation.htm).

Additionally, I’ve read that as a mother's womb that has male children in it acclimates to having testosterone in the body. The likelihood of having a male child, though, increases. This demonstrates a biological link between sexual orientation and prenatal exposure to hormones - one point in favor of the "it's not a choice" assertion.

My parents still don’t believe in the whole “it’s not really a choice” notion of sexual orientation. I can show them studies, but they will respond with other studies! It’s funny though, because I point out that their studies are biased in some way: through funding, opinions of the authors, etc. There was one study, a meta-analysis done looking at whether girls or boys perform better at science and math (a meta-analysis statistically examines a set of studies on the same topic to determine overriding themes in the numbers or if a general consensus exists). The study found that if men were conducting the study, the outcome of the study would likely favor men. If women conducted the study, the study would likely favor women. The takeaway message is that bias exists at some level in each and every study done in the scientific community – even if we’re studying plant growth on miracle-grow in a bubble-environment. Something can always shake the pot! “Proven” is never a word used in the scientific community, so we should just take an assimilation of results in different studies and can mount an argument for or against a perspective on scientific phenomena.

Well folks, that's all for now! Check back with you soon to update you on my love life (oh yeah!). <3 Michelle

Sexual Double Standards

Today I went to the doctor's office.. that doctor's office.

It was fine - it didn't hurt, she was friendly, answered all my questions, but I left feeling disappointed. She didn't tell me something I didn't already know. "Yeah, libido could be affected by mononucleosis." "You know, evolution tells us that human's probably weren't meant to menstruate as much as we do in this era." Right! Got it!

She ignored the fact that at the bottom of the sheet that I filled out I didn't check "divorced," "single," "married," or "widowed." I checked what appeared at the bottom: "partnered." She kept on talking about how spermatic fluid interacts with female bodily chemicals. I could care less. Not out of meanness towards the world of medical knowledge, but just for my own purposes in getting in what I need to get in within the context of a 5-minute interaction with a doctor. Grrr! I felt widowed after that interaction. I thought it wouldn't be an issue.. I thought she'd have lots of people who'd check that option. It was frustrating to say the least. I think I won't go back there!

I think what I'd like to touch on in this post is the sexual double standard. What this is is "different standards of sexual permissiveness for women and men, with more restrictive standards almost always applied to women" (Crooks & Baur, 2011 as cited in Greene & Faulkner, 2005; Muehlenhard et al., 2003). What this definition refers to is the fact that men "have game" if they have hooked up with a fair number of women, while women are referred to in a derogatory light and labeled "slutty" if they have hooked up with a fair number of men. The context, though, and the "type" of individual they hook up with may play a role in this labeling. Additionally, men may be labeled negatively if they have hooked up with so many women that they appear to have sex with anyone and everyone.
This line is clearly a tight one to walk. I want to avoid the feminist debates about "oppression" and how oppressed women are. What is distinct to me is that men who are aggressive are viewed as masculine and are reaffirmed by American dating culture, while it is viewed in a more abnormal light for a woman to engage in the same behavior. Thinking for a minute about the behavior of masturbation, it is common for one to assume that a man masturbates on a regular basis. However, one think that a girl is obsessed with sex if she is known to masturbate regularly, even though masturbation is encouraged as a normal part of a sexually satisfying life. [insert Dominique's story about her female friend in Paris speaking about the need to masturbate.]
Researchers note that the gender double standards are dissipating in American youth today (Crooks & Baur, 2011 citing Davidson et al., 2008; Greene & Faulkner, 2005). It would be interesting to note if there exists a correlation between the increase of women masturbating against the number of men masturbating with respect to time. Currently 3/4 of women and almost all men have masturbated by the end of adolescence (Crooks & Baur, 2011 citing Coles & Stokes, 1985; Janus & Janus, 1993). These rates could be a sign that sexual double standards are decreasing with time and with the sharing of information. Another interesting statistic to view would be the number of women masturbating against men with respect to time before the arrival of the internet versus after the internet or the publication of the book "I Heart Female Orgasm." Additionally, there has been an explosion of gay freedom and support since the dawn of the internet and internet chat rooms, which provide comfort to those who are (Is it a choice?).
What the current trends do reveal (Centers for Disease Control study on "Percentage of U.S. High School Students Who Reported Sexually Risky Behaviors, 1991-2008," 1998, 2000, 2002, 2006, 2008) supports my general hypothesis. With time between the years 1991 (pre-mass access to the internet) and 2007 (post-mass access to the internet) the number of individuals having sex who are adolescent has decreased in each high school class year [there is a sociological term that describes hearing about how non-forbidden or common a behavior is and then wanting to do it less because it's not as taboo as one originally thought], the number of partners has decreased, and the use of condoms has increased.