Dating Guys Before I Came-Out - what it's like

I'd say over half the guys I've ever dated or been interested in have turned out to be gay. This could mean something - that I look for feminity in my mates. :)  As it turns out, this theme protrudes during my middle, high school, and college dating years and has turned out to be relatively twisted in its own right.

For instance, the first individual I dated turned out to be bisexual, then decided he was gay. In high school he dated my first long-term boyfriend, Sam! These days I still see him riding his bike around town.. who knows what he's up to (ohhh, I should facebook him right now!).




Sam, who was the first guy I ever had a serious relationship with, turned out to be gay and came out his sophomore year of college. Neither one of these gentlemen were well kempt, that's the funny thing about it. We have this stereotype that gay men ought to be clean individuals who present and groom themselves nicely. Not always the case. These two gentlemen smelled of mothballs, I distinctly remember, rarely cut or shaved their hair, and were probably proud of it. It's rather unusual how that works I think.

Then there was the guy, Sally, in college whom I liked who is now transgender. He would ask me to have dinner with him and we'd talk about philosophy and religion. I enjoyed his company a lot, but he always seemed to be too pensive to really get happy about life. He would never smile.. all those years he spent looking pensive, I now realize, he was actually thinking about something else: his sexual orientation perhaps. Now his profile picture on facebook is of a big smile on his face. He's on hormones and has long hair and nails. I wouldn't have him any other way :)

Towards the end of college I dated a fellow, Phil. He is the reason I label and think of myself (and everyone) as bisexual. Based on context and natural inclination, I think we all fall somewhere on a spectrum whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Phil and I dated and were not physical at all - not even a kiss. Then, one year later, I found him out and about completely drunk with a few of my male friends. I tried to keep myself away from him because I was worried something would develop between us. We went into a club (he doesn't dance) and I thought I'd be just fine dancing with friends. Though later on in the evening I decided to chat with him and he began to lean his head on my shoulder. I felt immediately uneasy. I had to snap him awake somehow! How, how, how? I ran over to the bar and grabber him another beer (in hindsight, this was probably counter-productive).

After that beer we walked over to a friends place and four of us, one of whom was engaged, got hanky with it! I thought none of this would occur because 1) I was gay and my friend knew it, 2) my one friend engaged, and 3) the other was in a relationship. Upon arriving number 2 played lovely norah jones on pandora and danced with me while number 3 fell asleep. Eventually all four of us got physical with a little pile-on action and ab feeling. But then I started to make a move on Phil. I wanted to kiss him and wanted his hand down my pants. He was a no-go. I was so embarrassed about it - I think I was just getting off on him, but was really too drunk to remember much.

That feeling of him and his big, burly man arms surrounding me stayed with me - through the rest of the evening, morning, and for the next week. But this was the first time I felt that way about a guy.. and I safely think I can blame it on the alcohol.

Usually in romantic settings guys just annoy me or get creepy. In my friendships and activities, I have always liked interacting with guys and find it easier to do than with girls. With guys you can never expect any hard feelings - they just do what they think and aren't as reactive.


Girls just get me off. They make me lose my breath. They make me nervous. In my head at night, thoughts fill my mind about another kind of forbidden liking - that with a girl where our gender identities are not known to one another. Where we wear a mask. I have always had these dreams and have rarely thought anything of them, until I started to see a close friend of mine in a different light and finally accepted that there was some part of me that was gay - and that that was okay. Those were two different realizations, one more nerve-raking than the other.