How shameful is coming out?

I can remember my early college years: whoa was I homophobic. I talked about it readily and admitted that I was freaked out a little bit by gay people. Some guy friends I knew were in a secret, gay relationship. There was much gossip about that. As people came out, they would get interpersonal press unlike any other gossip - it was a hot topic.

But I can remember the shame I felt when I came out - that which is known as internalized homophobia. I would say that internalized homophobia is a form of shame. To quote the book Brain Candy:
"Shane has a distinct evoluntionary purpose: You've acted against social norms and thus rent the very fabric of society on which human civilization depends (not to be overly dramatic or anything), and it's shame that brings you back in line.

When shame reaches a certain level, you internalize it, start to consider yourself a bad apple, and can effectively prune your malignant self from the social tree ("I can never show my face in that bar ever again!"). This can be debilitating. More adaptive is to turn outward and sally forth into society to repair the rip you created. Only by repairing social connections - by apologizing or otherwise making amends - can you truly root out shame.

When you come out you don't apologize, but seek acceptance and hold trust in others whom you disclose this very personal fact to. It's as if you're instilling in them a certain amount of confidence as a friend or acquaintance and feel that this information that was previously not said is now apparent. This may not hold true for when you come-out informally to a new friend or acquaintance later in life, but does to a great extent when you first come out. You just aren't as sure about your social tree and whether it will cave in when you come out.

To a great extent I was unsure about how my friends and family would react when I divulged the information, but they sure acted better and provided firm social support when I did. My parents still aren't okay with it 100%, but within several years I think it will smoothe out somewhat. It's a lot of pressure for each individual you tell to disclose this information. The setting in which they come-out for you to others and their relationship to you shape, I think, how they go about telling others in terms of phrasing and their manner of telling other people. Some wait for intimate moments, others may just go ahead and talk about it around the office cooler. I know that if it's speculation on my part, I usually wait for a more intimate moment to discuss it with someone. I know for a fact that others don't like you speculating about their sexual orientation - it's a gossip-like thing to do and if you want to know, just ask (although some would advise to never, ever do that! But if you're interested, you should I think).