Society is so heteronormative – even in gay contexts. When I’m volunteering with the local gay teen activity crew, the roles are often reversed (“hey, why don’t you girls do the lifting?”). But what our society – and girls in general – value is men buying us drinks. It’s reaffirming of our place in society, as that little crowned princess that is meant to be looked at, spoken to only when treated like royalty, and adored.
Last night my friend Timothy and I went out to a new gay bar. Neither of us had been there before and it was quite the fun experience! Tim had just came from dinner (and being hammered) with a guy who he’s not quite sure is gay.. he’s still trying to feel that one out. He called me and demanded to go out, promising to buy me a drink. But he wasn’t the only one.
It was early – around 9pm and still sunny out. Our bar-mate, who seemed to be a business man from Michigan in town for a meeting concerning the sales of his wood company, started a conversation with us asking about places to go around town. He wanted to know about the other local bars and clubs and where he should go during his stay. He was staying in a nicely situated downtown hotel and after much discussion and a karaoke song on my part (which he was apparently glued to me for), he bought me my second round. Except at that point I didn’t know that he was “interested” in me, as my friend said. I think it’s just downright annoying when I go out to have a gay old time and instead end up being hit on my whomever. When I was in drag as gaga for Halloween two straight men asked me if I was a man or a woman. Maybe that’s a flattering sign, but I didn’t feel I had on enough makeup to warrant that question. Fuck off!
After discussing my feelings on what it’s like to be bought a drink, it feels pretty damn good. My straight friends concur. However, I think in my world I have reached a precipice and am tired of worrying about the male attention that comes with a free drink. Even after I tell guys “no, I don’t want a drink” and “yes, I’m completely gay” (look at me and my crowd!), they persist. As if I was going to drunkenly bend (I guess that’s what the alcohol is for!).
For hetero girls it’s a good night and a “score” of shorts when you can walk away not having to pay for any drinks that evening. But what does this say? Sure it feels nice for someone to buy us a beer, but men still make more in America and maybe this is right where their money is going – straight to the throats of women who want more pay and equity? Anyway, I don’t want to get tied up in a name-calling mess of assumptions, but my straight from Haille.
Our other friend, Rochelle, told me that she used to rely on her boyfriend having a good time to make her happy or just being out with her boyfriend only in order to have a good time. Since breaking up with him, she has learned that she needn't rely on anyone else to have a golden time while out. She only has to have fun with whomever she's interacting with and it doesn't have to be a predetermined person or class of individuals.
Back to my scenario, I admit that I had a great time in part because this gentleman bought me a drink and it was flattering to know he was interested in me. There's some bragging rights associated with the event - I then get to go and tell all my friends about the individual. Perhaps this is why the act is so problematic. From a social psychological perspective gifts and flattery actually perpetuate no firm outcome. They may lead to a date, a connection, a marriage, but they do not, in and of themselves, provide depth to a relationship. Drinking itself may allow one to be free, though, and to open up and expose oneself or intimate details of oneself to others.
What I cannot comment on in this post is to what extent the same is true from men of women. Do men expect a certain sort of attention from women while out? Do they expect a conversation to be issued to them the moment they buy her a drink, no matter what the age gap? These questions and the alteration in their answers by men with time are of interest to me as they may show changing or lessening cultural norms. Ditto that for more dominate or butch lesbians. While not all butches are the perpetuators of the relationship (I don’t know if I like the term “aggressor”), I think there is a stereotype towards them taking on the more "manly" role, which would be that of the dominant individual in the relationship.
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