Dating Guys Before I Came-Out - what it's like

I'd say over half the guys I've ever dated or been interested in have turned out to be gay. This could mean something - that I look for feminity in my mates. :)  As it turns out, this theme protrudes during my middle, high school, and college dating years and has turned out to be relatively twisted in its own right.

For instance, the first individual I dated turned out to be bisexual, then decided he was gay. In high school he dated my first long-term boyfriend, Sam! These days I still see him riding his bike around town.. who knows what he's up to (ohhh, I should facebook him right now!).




Sam, who was the first guy I ever had a serious relationship with, turned out to be gay and came out his sophomore year of college. Neither one of these gentlemen were well kempt, that's the funny thing about it. We have this stereotype that gay men ought to be clean individuals who present and groom themselves nicely. Not always the case. These two gentlemen smelled of mothballs, I distinctly remember, rarely cut or shaved their hair, and were probably proud of it. It's rather unusual how that works I think.

Then there was the guy, Sally, in college whom I liked who is now transgender. He would ask me to have dinner with him and we'd talk about philosophy and religion. I enjoyed his company a lot, but he always seemed to be too pensive to really get happy about life. He would never smile.. all those years he spent looking pensive, I now realize, he was actually thinking about something else: his sexual orientation perhaps. Now his profile picture on facebook is of a big smile on his face. He's on hormones and has long hair and nails. I wouldn't have him any other way :)

Towards the end of college I dated a fellow, Phil. He is the reason I label and think of myself (and everyone) as bisexual. Based on context and natural inclination, I think we all fall somewhere on a spectrum whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Phil and I dated and were not physical at all - not even a kiss. Then, one year later, I found him out and about completely drunk with a few of my male friends. I tried to keep myself away from him because I was worried something would develop between us. We went into a club (he doesn't dance) and I thought I'd be just fine dancing with friends. Though later on in the evening I decided to chat with him and he began to lean his head on my shoulder. I felt immediately uneasy. I had to snap him awake somehow! How, how, how? I ran over to the bar and grabber him another beer (in hindsight, this was probably counter-productive).

After that beer we walked over to a friends place and four of us, one of whom was engaged, got hanky with it! I thought none of this would occur because 1) I was gay and my friend knew it, 2) my one friend engaged, and 3) the other was in a relationship. Upon arriving number 2 played lovely norah jones on pandora and danced with me while number 3 fell asleep. Eventually all four of us got physical with a little pile-on action and ab feeling. But then I started to make a move on Phil. I wanted to kiss him and wanted his hand down my pants. He was a no-go. I was so embarrassed about it - I think I was just getting off on him, but was really too drunk to remember much.

That feeling of him and his big, burly man arms surrounding me stayed with me - through the rest of the evening, morning, and for the next week. But this was the first time I felt that way about a guy.. and I safely think I can blame it on the alcohol.

Usually in romantic settings guys just annoy me or get creepy. In my friendships and activities, I have always liked interacting with guys and find it easier to do than with girls. With guys you can never expect any hard feelings - they just do what they think and aren't as reactive.


Girls just get me off. They make me lose my breath. They make me nervous. In my head at night, thoughts fill my mind about another kind of forbidden liking - that with a girl where our gender identities are not known to one another. Where we wear a mask. I have always had these dreams and have rarely thought anything of them, until I started to see a close friend of mine in a different light and finally accepted that there was some part of me that was gay - and that that was okay. Those were two different realizations, one more nerve-raking than the other.

How shameful is coming out?

I can remember my early college years: whoa was I homophobic. I talked about it readily and admitted that I was freaked out a little bit by gay people. Some guy friends I knew were in a secret, gay relationship. There was much gossip about that. As people came out, they would get interpersonal press unlike any other gossip - it was a hot topic.

But I can remember the shame I felt when I came out - that which is known as internalized homophobia. I would say that internalized homophobia is a form of shame. To quote the book Brain Candy:
"Shane has a distinct evoluntionary purpose: You've acted against social norms and thus rent the very fabric of society on which human civilization depends (not to be overly dramatic or anything), and it's shame that brings you back in line.

When shame reaches a certain level, you internalize it, start to consider yourself a bad apple, and can effectively prune your malignant self from the social tree ("I can never show my face in that bar ever again!"). This can be debilitating. More adaptive is to turn outward and sally forth into society to repair the rip you created. Only by repairing social connections - by apologizing or otherwise making amends - can you truly root out shame.

When you come out you don't apologize, but seek acceptance and hold trust in others whom you disclose this very personal fact to. It's as if you're instilling in them a certain amount of confidence as a friend or acquaintance and feel that this information that was previously not said is now apparent. This may not hold true for when you come-out informally to a new friend or acquaintance later in life, but does to a great extent when you first come out. You just aren't as sure about your social tree and whether it will cave in when you come out.

To a great extent I was unsure about how my friends and family would react when I divulged the information, but they sure acted better and provided firm social support when I did. My parents still aren't okay with it 100%, but within several years I think it will smoothe out somewhat. It's a lot of pressure for each individual you tell to disclose this information. The setting in which they come-out for you to others and their relationship to you shape, I think, how they go about telling others in terms of phrasing and their manner of telling other people. Some wait for intimate moments, others may just go ahead and talk about it around the office cooler. I know that if it's speculation on my part, I usually wait for a more intimate moment to discuss it with someone. I know for a fact that others don't like you speculating about their sexual orientation - it's a gossip-like thing to do and if you want to know, just ask (although some would advise to never, ever do that! But if you're interested, you should I think).

Defining Sex

Recently at work, a co-worker slipped a link under my nose: http://huqueerpress.com/. This is a college-student’s zine, or miniature pamphlet or collection of stories, on the subject of being gay and coming out from the students at Harding University. It’s called “the State of the Gay” and details about 7 stories from mostly gay men coming out against a religious backdrop. The students, and the media recently, have made it clear that these young men and women have a hard time achieving widespread acceptance at their University in that the University refuses to let University students view the zine through their on-campus network.


All-the-while this minor hurdle has not withstood the wanting-reader’s eyes, as the discrimination against the zine has been well-documented in online media. The stories collected in the zine remind me very much of those in “The Full Spectrum,” an excellent book that holds a collection of coming-out stories. Sometimes religious, often thought-provoking, these stories always give new perspective to one’s own coming out situation (while it does “get better,” it could be worse!).

My life here recently has been pretty good… I’m over my gynecological exam, but I just cannot stop relapsing into a common cold. Bleh! I’m ready for a change in the weather…

Recently I’ve been thinking about the definition of sex. I volunteer for a local teen group and they always want to know what is and what isn’t considered sex. There’s totally no one answer! The Kinsey institute has looked at this and found not only that, but that our definition of sex changes with time. Take a look: http://newsinfo.iu.edu/news/page/normal/13675.html

Defining sexual intercourse as only one act, that of penile-vaginal penetration means that other forms of sex - and all forms of sexual activity that gay couples perform - are not really sex at all. The problem is that sex is not simply one act due to the fact that it results in a, hopefully achieved, chemical reaction that involves several phases (one could look to either Kaplan's Three Phase or Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model). Excluding all other acts - oral sex, anal sex, tribadism, etc. means that all other persons simply cannot experience the same physiology as a heterosexual who engages in a specific act.

I’ve laid down some thought, too, here recently on biblical literalists. If you’re a biblical literalist, then: Leviticus says that two men lying together as a man lies with a woman is an abomination. Women are excluding from the comment, and therefore lesbians simply do not matter. The problem here is that fundamentalists tend to think that being gay no matter what your gender is wrong. But hey, the bible only speaks about men “lying” with other men as a man lies with a woman. If we are to take the bible literally, then we could say: “oh, well it only speaks to men” or “oh, sex isn’t the problem, it’s just lying with one another.”

When I think about a hypothetical cultural goal of writing a book capable of winning the support and acceptance of gays in America, it seems nearly impossible when the cornerstone of our culture proscribes these activities. How we reconcile these beliefs inside the church is a big question. Outside the church scientific empirical literature will no doubt play a large role.

In The Full Spectrum one individual mentions how the Dali Lama was asked in front of a room full of rural, mid-west Americans whether being gay was wrong. Known for his ken on current scientific data, stated that the question was laughable, which I find really interesting! Here’s this prominent figure who takes from ancient writings and tradition and whose opinion is really valued among our culture.

Two mention two recent scientific studies briefly, famous neuroscientist and researcher Simon LeVay wrote: “Interestingly, so far there has been more evidence that early androgens might play a role in homosexuality in women than in men. There are recent reports of three previously unsuspected body markers that seem to reflect fetal androgen in humans. The markers are quite varied, involving the ears (the production of tiny sounds by the cochlea), the eyes (eye-blink reflexes), and the fingers (the pattern of relative finger lengths). Yet in each case, there is a sex difference in function or structure, and in each case lesbians display characteristics that are more male-like compared with heterosexual women. These same putative somatic markers of early androgen have provided conflicting results when comparing homosexual and heterosexual men. The conflicting results in men suggest that some boys may turn out homosexual as a result of lower-than normal fetal androgen, some may result from higher-than normal levels, and some may turn out homosexual for reasons having nothing to do with androgens.” (See http://www.libertyeducationforum.org/IsItaChoiceTheScienceofSexualOrientation.htm).

Additionally, I’ve read that as a mother's womb that has male children in it acclimates to having testosterone in the body. The likelihood of having a male child, though, increases. This demonstrates a biological link between sexual orientation and prenatal exposure to hormones - one point in favor of the "it's not a choice" assertion.

My parents still don’t believe in the whole “it’s not really a choice” notion of sexual orientation. I can show them studies, but they will respond with other studies! It’s funny though, because I point out that their studies are biased in some way: through funding, opinions of the authors, etc. There was one study, a meta-analysis done looking at whether girls or boys perform better at science and math (a meta-analysis statistically examines a set of studies on the same topic to determine overriding themes in the numbers or if a general consensus exists). The study found that if men were conducting the study, the outcome of the study would likely favor men. If women conducted the study, the study would likely favor women. The takeaway message is that bias exists at some level in each and every study done in the scientific community – even if we’re studying plant growth on miracle-grow in a bubble-environment. Something can always shake the pot! “Proven” is never a word used in the scientific community, so we should just take an assimilation of results in different studies and can mount an argument for or against a perspective on scientific phenomena.

Well folks, that's all for now! Check back with you soon to update you on my love life (oh yeah!). <3 Michelle