The straight guy just bought me a drink.. Whatdoyado?!

Society is so heteronormative – even in gay contexts. When I’m volunteering with the local gay teen activity crew, the roles are often reversed (“hey, why don’t you girls do the lifting?”). But what our society – and girls in general – value is men buying us drinks. It’s reaffirming of our place in society, as that little crowned princess that is meant to be looked at, spoken to only when treated like royalty, and adored.


Last night my friend Timothy and I went out to a new gay bar. Neither of us had been there before and it was quite the fun experience! Tim had just came from dinner (and being hammered) with a guy who he’s not quite sure is gay.. he’s still trying to feel that one out. He called me and demanded to go out, promising to buy me a drink. But he wasn’t the only one.

It was early – around 9pm and still sunny out. Our bar-mate, who seemed to be a business man from Michigan in town for a meeting concerning the sales of his wood company, started a conversation with us asking about places to go around town. He wanted to know about the other local bars and clubs and where he should go during his stay. He was staying in a nicely situated downtown hotel and after much discussion and a karaoke song on my part (which he was apparently glued to me for), he bought me my second round.  Except at that point I didn’t know that he was “interested” in me, as my friend said. I think it’s just downright annoying when I go out to have a gay old time and instead end up being hit on my whomever. When I was in drag as gaga for Halloween two straight men asked me if I was a man or a woman. Maybe that’s a flattering sign, but I didn’t feel I had on enough makeup to warrant that question. Fuck off!

After discussing my feelings on what it’s like to be bought a drink, it feels pretty damn good. My straight friends concur. However, I think in my world I have reached a precipice and am tired of worrying about the male attention that comes with a free drink. Even after I tell guys “no, I don’t want a drink” and “yes, I’m completely gay” (look at me and my crowd!), they persist. As if I was going to drunkenly bend (I guess that’s what the alcohol is for!).

For hetero girls it’s a good night and a “score” of shorts when you can walk away not having to pay for any drinks that evening. But what does this say? Sure it feels nice for someone to buy us a beer, but men still make more in America and maybe this is right where their money is going – straight to the throats of women who want more pay and equity? Anyway, I don’t want to get tied up in a name-calling mess of assumptions, but my straight from Haille.

Our other friend, Rochelle, told me that she used to rely on her boyfriend having a good time to make her happy or just being out with her boyfriend only in order to have a good time. Since breaking up with him, she has learned that she needn't rely on anyone else to have a golden time while out. She only has to have fun with whomever she's interacting with and it doesn't have to be a predetermined person or class of individuals.

Back to my scenario, I admit that I had a great time in part because this gentleman bought me a drink and it was flattering to know he was interested in me. There's some bragging rights associated with the event - I then get to go and tell all my friends about the individual. Perhaps this is why the act is so problematic. From a social psychological perspective gifts and flattery actually perpetuate no firm outcome. They may lead to a date, a connection, a marriage, but they do not, in and of themselves, provide depth to a relationship. Drinking itself may allow one to be free, though, and to open up and expose oneself or intimate details of oneself to others.

What I cannot comment on in this post is to what extent the same is true from men of women. Do men expect a certain sort of attention from women while out? Do they expect a conversation to be issued to them the moment they buy her a drink, no matter what the age gap? These questions and the alteration in their answers by men with time are of interest to me as they may show changing or lessening cultural norms. Ditto that for more dominate or butch lesbians. While not all butches are the perpetuators of the relationship (I don’t know if I like the term “aggressor”), I think there is a stereotype towards them taking on the more "manly" role, which would be that of the dominant individual in the relationship.

Life in Portland

So I went to Portland for a few days last week... and had a rockin’ ole time. Every other couple there is gay; it’s like Mecca. The feel of the city is so different – so unabashedly open to all that is the diversity of planet earth. I didn’t feel like it was liberal or gay or anything. I just felt acceptance and knowledge. Not questioning what shouldn’t be questioned and assuming nothing improper. If a girl has a girlfriend that’s okay. Apparently Portland has the second largest proportion of lesbians in its population in the US. If you don’t have a job that’s okay too. People don’t assume that you’re in med school and check and ask to see if you are. In fact, while I spent my week there not a single person asked me what I did for a living or if I had a living. I was living and that was all that mattered.

Everywhere you went there were attractive women with piercings, without, with children, without. It all didn’t matter. With straight men and gay men, who could tell? It’s said that every bar there is a gay bar and every bar is a straight bar. Out of the people I visited, they (two straight women) have only lesbian friends. They can’t seem to find datable males… it’s like a struggle. They can’t, and excuse me for using this word but it’s fitting, penetrate the scene. It’s just organically set so that they have to ask discretely whether a guy is single and straight. The men they do find are mostly not of interest for being, well, themselves and perhaps a little more grizzly than what they’d like, not to stereotype.



photo of Alberta St. taken from apartmentstherapy.com


Going to parties and out there it was just one large mix of people. Locals could care less if you were gay or straight. At parties girls were paired with girls or guys and it was evident that it mattered not. This should be the paradigm for the future of every city and I think that civilization is matriculating in this way. Even our pilot coming out of PDX was this awesome gay girl. People did make fun of the fact that they had a female pilot, which I wouldn’t have expected coming out of Portland…

What emanated from the city was a vibe of fun. What mattered were people’s relationships with one another. Jobs, the rest of the world, they can just fuck it, as a true Portlander would say. Being able to go out in a safe city, walk around at night, drink any night of the week, and have a good old time with whomever was the key of the city and was offered to everyone there.

I would go back there literally in a heartbeat. Vacations are meant to be refreshing, but this was more than a vacation. This was the epitome of vacations. This was like a cleansing of the soul. I would go back there to garner to: quit my job, write a novel, travel the outdoors (well, maybe not in the winter), and basically listen to my soul a little more and what drives it. I could become a productive nightmare of creative goodness (either success or failure, but I feel I’d have the inspiration to do something) if I moved there.

So I think I’ll just take another trip there in the coming months… not that it’s cheap or anything. It’s just refreshing. And reaffirms my core value of individualism and love for the United States – to exist on a dance floor where no one cares what your orientation is or whether you’re wearing leather or not.

For a little taste of the retiring village for younguns, check out “Portlandia” (first episode free on itunes). http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1780441/